Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus - Home Video Review

Streamed using Netflix Instant Watch.




 Release Date: It doesn't really matter

Ok, let's get this out of the way right now, this is not an actual review, this will be more of a dissection of what makes this movie "so bad...its good". Now, looking at that title one will think "Of course this movie is bad", but it is the little sprinkles of awfulness spread all throughout it that helps transcend that bad and turn it into a horrible good time. The real problem when discussing a movie like this how exactly to convey to you, the reader, what it is that makes this particular movie achieve the moniker "So bad, its good". Let me start off with the following image, what exactly do you think this man sees that has him so upset? Click the jump to find out.

"Holy Shit!"


SURPRISE!!!
Now do you see what is in store for you with this amazing piece of art? What more needs to be said than a mega shark flying through the air that attacks a passenger jet liner? What truly makes this one of the best/worst moments in film history beyond its amazing production values and the Oscar caliber acting is that there is absolute zero reason to expect this to happen. You see a passenger jet flying through some rough weather and experience some turbulence, a man seems worried and mentions he is getting married in a couple days...then wham! A mega shark leaps out of the water, flies up to the jet and eats the dam thing. Check out the scene for yourself below.


It is unfortunate though that a such a spectacular scene as that happens so early in the movie because there is no way anything else can top it. Which brings me to the crap-ticulars of what makes this such a watchable mess. First you have the cast which is filled with your normal no-name/sci-fi channel rejects who do their best to look like they know how to act but fail miserably. There are two standouts though that must be mentioned due to not only how awesomely bad they are but also to their "WTF are they doing in this" status. Check out the first one below...

Deborah Gibson meet Debbie Gibson

Debbie f****** Gibson!...the teen pop idol of the mid to late 80's has returned and has decided to play a scientist in a movie called Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus! When I first started watching this turd she started looking familiar to me about half way but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Only when I saw her name (Now Deborah Gibson), in the credits at the end did I finally put it together. She is a horrendous actor and somehow she makes the other horrible actors around her seem OK. Then there is the other "actor" that popped up...Lorenzo freakin Lamas.

A funny thing about Mr. Lamas, throughout the entire movie I kept thinking to myself "Man, this guy looks a lot like Lorenzo Lamas" when the whole time it was Lorenzo Lamas...who knew.  I also laughed at the idea of some sleazy guy dressed up like he is ready for a night on the town is the guy running the government. No, seriously, this guy calls all the shots and dear Lorenzo tries his hardest to look like he knows how to act but he fails at every turn. I know calling this guy a bad actor is like calling the sky blue but he takes it to another level. Check out this awkward little clip from the movie where he interrogates our three scientists. Let the awkwardness ensue...


You know what, I am sick to death talking about these so called "Actors". Let's dig into the really good stuff finally. There are many things other than the aforementioned bad acting and horrible effects that go into making a bad movie good. For instance, there is a thing in film called "The establishing shot", where you see an image of the location your characters are in when it shows them next. You usually see some sort of landmark that lets you know right away where you are. This movie not only gets it wrong but does it over and over again. Here is one example...

Yep, that looks like San Francisco to me alright...
Yep, that sure looks like San Francisco bay to me alright...

Then for some reason they decide to make sure you know where you are...ALL THE TIME. Here is a series of images with time codes when they appear in the movie. Take note that the same location is used multiple times for different...er, locations.

1st establishing shot...
5 minutes later, 2nd establishing shot, same location...

5 minutes later, 3rd establishing shot...look familiar...?
2 minutes later, 4th establishing shot,...need I go on...?
Oh, alright. Here's another one....4 minutes later.

Please keep in mind that you see all of these establishing shots in the span of 15 to 20 minutes! And I love how they use the same location for every place they go and just change the angle. Hell, the time of day is always the same not to mention how many times they re-use the same shot. That is just ridiculous, but it is just another one of those things that help make this movie awesome. What's that...you want some more...OK, you asked for it.

Speaking of re-used stuff, how about some re-used sets? This one is a real hoot, over the span of the movie we are treated to a number of naval vessels. Battleships, US & Japanese submarines and they all share one thing with each other...the same dam bridge made out of circuit breakers. Check them out...

Battleship number 1...
Battleship 2...
Whoa!...with a change of lighting and some crew we have the Japanese Sub.

Besides the complexities of these bridges you can hardly tell the difference right? I mean, that Japanese sub has got a periscope so it must be different...right?...it has a f*****g periscope! OK, take a close look at all that sophisticated circuit breakers machinery they got there...wanna see a close up of some of that hardware...huh?

Yeah! That's what I'm talkin about, mega shark is goin down yo!
Oh, don't worry, although the Japanese submarines seem to be suffering from no-budget-itis the American submarine is hooked up. Check out this sick radar they have...

Its a radar with a friggin view screen!...woohoo!
Alright, calm down now...we still have a little ways to go here. Let's take a little bit of time to discuss the plan to take down both mega shark and giant octopus. Here is a quote from miss Gibson when she thinks "The Lamas" just wants to kill them both, "We want assurances that you will do everything in your power to entrap these creatures". Well, that is all good and fine except for one thing...about 10 minutes later her and the other two dopes come up with a plan of their own to make sharky and octy kill each other!?! What? The best part is that they plan on luring both creatures to highly inhabited areas to try to kill them! Oh and there major plan seems to involve a secret...

The secret of the ooze that is..."Go Lamas go Lamas go go go....".

Let's take another second to revel in some choice quotes at this point. Here is one to live by, "Don't love the ocean too much, it doesn't love you back". Oh and Lamas gets some of the best ones...

"If we don't find a viable solution to stop this f*****, sharkzilla is gonna own the seas, and if you own the seas you own the world. The Limey's and the Spic's got that right".

Just before attacking sharky, "Listen, screw the environmentalists, when I give the command, shoot to kill!"

Oh and this is a great one from our Irish scientist, "Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years, wouldn't you be a little horny?".

Then we have the American submarine commander whom I will share my favorite line delivery in the entire movie with you in a second. First here is a dialog between him and his communications officer...

Communications officer: "All communications dead sir".
Sub commander: "Re-establish communications, try again".

Now it may seem like I put those lines in the wrong order but you would be wrong to think that. Usually when someone says something is dead there ain't a whole lot that can be done. But without further ado here is my favorite line reading in the whole movie. I suggest watching it a couple times to let it sink in...it gets better each time you watch it...


Speaking of the American submarine...have you ever seen a sub that has a window or view screen to look out (besides that sick-ass radar that is)? Cause apparently this is one of those new hi-tech subs that when you look forward you see everything that is going on, check it out...

You're on a dam sub...what the hell are you looking at!?!
Oh and then later I guess they opened a new window cause they eventually have two different places to look out of...

"I got the right, you get the left".

You may be wondering why I am spending so little time talking about the two title characters, mega shark and giant octopus. Well, to be honest they are hardly in it and only sharky has a couple of note worthy (that's code for horribly awesome) scenes. Octy crushes a couple things here and there but that's about it. Like I said at the beginning, nothing tops that flying shark scene but he does get to munch on the Golden Gate bridge though...

Good thing they lured him from the open sea to kill him in San Francisco, guess they were just too lazy to go after him.
As for the big "VS" in the title, the two of them do end up fighting but it isn't nearly as awful-good as you would hope. This is mainly due to one of my earlier observations...constant re-use of the same dam shot. Take a look at this battle shot...

I hope you really like this shot, cause you see it about 5 to 6 more times...one of those in slow motion!
In the midst of all this though, sharky takes a little snack break...

Mmmmmm....sub sandwiches are awesome!
If you couldn't tell already this movie is god awful. If it is so horrible then why did I not only watch the whole thing, but take all this time to write about it? Because there is a certain type of bad that entertains the hell out of me and I would love nothing more than to spread that joy. Yes, this movie isn't worth a second of anyone's time but at the same time I would highly recommend it to anybody that can just sit back, laugh at its glorious badness, and just kind of revel in it and definitely watch it with some friends. Hey, if nothing else it will give you a better appreciation for real movies...even the bad ones, cause let's face it, even the worse movies out there aren't this bad. But they usually aren't as entertaining either.


CHECK IT OUT IF YOU'RE DRUNK

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