Saturday, March 17, 2012

The FP - Theatrical Review


Release Date: March 16, 2012

Uhhhhh..., yeah. Read on if you dare...

Review Vital Stats:
Theater: AMC 30 at the Block in Orange
Time: 8:15 pm March 16, 2012
Projector Type: Digital 2D
Film Rating: R
Film Runtime: 1 hr 22 min
Studio: Drafthouse Films

Loves: Crazy ass mutha-fuckin' movies
Likes: Ducks
Neutral: Bums
Hates: Bullshit ass shit chump bitches that don't get the joke
First: Film distributed by Drafthouse Films

WARNING: Prepare yourself for some major awesomeness and a whole lot of uncensored cursing ahead.

YO BITCH! Are you ready to hear about one of the most off the chain mutha-fuckin' champs of a movie eva?! I hope so cause we ain't playin' around this time son, we gonna tell it how it is in The FP, one the first movies to come out of illest theater chains of all time, tha mutha-fuckin' Alamo Drafthouse! What we gots here is one crazy ass movie by first time directors, the mutha-fuckin' Trost Brothers yo. Now I gots to keep it real and tell it how it is straight up, no bullshit. This here movie ain't for everyone, as a matter of fact if you are pissed off or confused about what I be sayin and how I be sayin it then I suggest you back the fuck off and skip this shit and go see one of them other chucklehead movies with people kissin and shit. Otherwise, if you down with the 248 and want to help da fight to get the FP back then lets do dis...for reals.

The battle for the FP is about to start when Jtro (Jason Trost) and his slick ass bro Btro (Brandon Barrera) have a beat off in Beat Beat Revelation against the mad whack L Dubba E (Lee Valmassy). Some insane shit goes down that leaves Btro down for the count and Jtro out in the wild as Dubba E and the rest of the 245 take over the liquor store and proceed to tear shit up all around town making sure da bums and da ducks don't get a dam thing driving the FP into some deep shit. Meanwhile Jtro's homie KCDC (Art Hsu) and the slick as shit guru homeboy BLT (Nick Principe) unveil a secret location that will help Jtro learn those legit skills so he can take down that pussy ass bitch L Dubba E once and for all.

Jtro and Btro are about to 187 these fools!

Yo, listen up...The FP is not only the dopest new kid on the block but it ain't playin round neither. This movie just don't give a shit about what you think. It takes its shit seriously and never winks one mutha-fuckin' eye at the audience. Having these beat offs where they play what is essentially a rip off of Dance Dance Revolution is some ridiculous shit that will either have you howling in laughter or looking for a quick exit out the theater. If you have seen other shit like any of them Rocky movies or just about anything involving a guy returning to his home town to take it back from some whack ass chump who thinks he's all that and shit then you should at least know what kind of story this thing has. Just don't think for one mutha-fuckin' second that it is tryin to be those movies cause it ain't. This thing is on a whole other level yo.

What you probably aren't expecting though is just how crazy stupid this thing is. That may sound like an understatement by this point but I can't stress it enough. You are either in on the joke or you are a pussy ass bitch who don't know shit from shit, ya know what im sayin? What makes this shit work though is the 110% commitment by the actors and directors to play the whole thing straight. If any of them were to pull any of that lame ass bullshit like a wink at the camera or any sort of shout out to the audience that they know what they are doing is some stupid ass shit then the whole thing would just be whack as all hell. By playin the shit straight it makes the whole thing legit and funnier than anything they could have done by playin it like fools.

Watch out for the OMEGA GANGSTA MODE!

This ain't the kind of thing where you need to start asking questions neither. The less you ask and the more you accept the crazy shit going on the more legit this shit gets. Why they be playin a mutha-fuckin' dance video game to fight for supremacy over the FP? How the hell does one liquor store determine the fate of an entire fuckin' town? Most of all though, how the FUCK does someone die from dance battling?! Who gives a shit! That's got to be your answer to every whack ass thing this movie throws atcha. I hesitate to call what these guys did here as some sort of brilliant masterpiece of purposeful trashy cinema but when you got a bitch who has been kidnapped by one of the most ridiculous looking and sounding individuals to come along in a generation and then proceeds to give said kidnapper a blow job during a high speed chase then that just seals the fuckin' deal for me.

They take it even further by treating these dance battles like some sort of epic event that is engaged in by all the local towns. It is almost like an alternate reality where these fools gather round in these rundown shacks in the middle of nowhere and cheer on their "fighters" as they play a dancing video game to the death. Not only do they talk some serious smack to each other as they dance for their lives but even the mutha-fuckin' game talks some serious shit to them. As amazing as that shit is I was afraid that this thing was gonna be a one trick pony, that there was never gonna be an actual movie in there somewhere. Up until the moment the movie actually started up I was still expecting this thing to be fake, that there would be this message printed up on that screen saying GOTCHA BITCHES!. But this thing is for reals yo and takes its one joke and stretches that shit out for its entire 82 minute runtime without ever overstaying its welcome which is just some kind of fuckin' miracle.

L Dubba E is ready to smack the shit out of some chuckleheads.

Then you got them mutha-fuckin' actors yo, I mean who the fuck these klowns think they is? I ain't never heard none of them before this shit but I'll be damned if they all didn't knock this shit out the fuckin' park. Once you get past the fact that they all have acronyms for names you will quickly discover the brilliance in what these fuckin' guys did here. Jtro is the hero of this thing so he doesn't get to do much beyond just reacting to all the crazy shit everyone else is doing but that fuckin' eye patch is so kick-ass. I mean the guy is wearing a mutha-fuckin' eye patch! Why is he wearing an eye patch? Hell if I know but it looks slick as shit and he pulls that shit off better than any other actor/character since mutha-fuckin' Snake Plisken.

As badass as Jtro is, it is everyone surrounding him that just makes this thing totally baller. Jtro's number one homie KCDC is off the fuckin' hook and had me laughing my ass off from beginning to end. This fuckin' guy needs to be in more shit immediately, every movie from this point forward needs KCDC in it to keep it real and tell it how it is. His speech about the fate of the FP and how Jtro needs to step up and take control is probably the single funniest thing I have heard in years and the actor's delivery is pitch fuckin' perfect. I don't know who this actor is, I had never heard of him before this but I am now a loyal devotee to this guy. I need him in my life but only on one condition...he needs to have his mic with him at all times so that when something mad whack goes down he can yell out, OHHHHHH SHHHIIIIIIT!!!!!!!

Jtro and the 248 gotta beat beat this shit right again.

What about L Dubba E though? This fuckin' guy...I knew he was gonna be one crazy ass mofo from what I saw in that trailer but HOLY SHIT does this guy take it to the next level. This guy only speaks at one level, LOUD AS SHIT! Smack talkin and ass kickin everywhere he goes, some of the best lines in the movie get spouted out by this guy and the shit he says mixed with some of the best costume designs in cinema history are almost too much to process at times. Whenever he comes on screen his mouth is already moving a mile a minute and never shuts the hell up until the scene is over. The guy is like a whirlwind of obscenities that comes through and doesn't let up until either someone is dead or he gets knocked the fuck out. There was one scene where he walks up to a telephone booth (this shit doesn't take place in current day) and begins to have one of the most pointless and completely asinine conversations in film history. I still don't know what the fuck they were talkin about but that shit was hilarious. This guy needs to win some sort of award for best realized douche bag of all time cause he without a doubt nailed whatever it was he was going for and I loved every minute of it.

Oh yeah, there is some romance shit going on in here too. Jtro has had this thing for Stacy (Caitlyn Folley), one of the very few non-acronym names, who also happens to be one of the many town sluts. She has had a thing for Jtro for a while but Jtro ain't down with being just another slash on her arm. He's lookin for something real and the fact that Stacy is hooked up with Jtro's greatest nemesis L Dubba E doesn't make any of this shit any easier. Now don't be gettin your hopes up for a real romance cause this shit ain't any less whack than the rest of this movie. From the reveal of her "father" to how she handles unwanted pregnancy (something about a coat hanger...) the "love" that forms between those two is just as appropriately fuckin' crazy as everything else in this thing. Just wait until you see how she repays Jtro for rescuing her.

They roll together, they die together...for reals!

If you haven't been able to tell yet, I loved the shit out of The FP (hence the phrasing and overall lewdness of this review). This movie will be hated by a great many people, people that will most likely go into this looking for a traditional comedy and not truly understand what it is they have gotten themselves into. From what I hear they would probably be better served with this weeks release of 21 Jump Street and leave this one alone (which shouldn't be hard considering it is only playing in one theater in all of southern California). I love it when a movie comes along and just fuckin' goes for it without a second thought. There are times when a film comes out and helps put in perspective why movies can be so much fun to watch. It reminds you that we go see movies to be entertained and forget about everything else in the world. The FP does that better than any other recent movie for me. Is it a good movie? Not in the traditional sense. It was made to be bad but it was also done perfectly. I cannot suggest you see this right now, there are most likely plenty of other things out there for the mainstream audience that will better serve what they are looking for. But for anyone looking for a crazy ass fuckin' movie with one of the best 80's style soundtracks I have ever heard that toe's up from the mutha-fuckin' flow up I suggest you...




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